The nurses, midwives and my friends with kids all said that the 1st trimester of pregnancy is the toughest… and they were not kidding. Those 1st 13ish weeks are such a roller coaster. Between the secrecy and the fear to the exhaustion and the nausea… I’m beyond grateful I had a support system to lean on.
I knew I was pregnant at about 4 weeks… I had no confirmation yet, but I just had a feeling. I mean it was a massive flooding of irrational thoughts and fears. I decided I would go get a pregnancy test in the morning but that night was I going to have a beer before it was ethically irresponsible of me.
Next morning… sure enough, confirmation… we’re gunna have a baby. Then only about 65 million thoughts that started running through my head starting with overwhelming fear:
- Holy shit… where are we going to put this baby. We live small city apartment
- I need to start saving more… I need to start saving period.
- What if my kick-ass assistant finds a new job
- Guess I’m not going to that yoga retreat in Panama with my sister
Followed quickly by more positive thoughts and I stare at the stick that I just peed on:
- Whoa, I’m making a human… that’s pretty fucking awesome
- I need an app for this
- Thank God my best friend works at a midwives office
- I’m going to be due in March! That’s my slow season, how perfect is that!
- Ok… I need to get back to work
No joke I had been “preparing” for this moment for a long time. Setting up systems, strategies, How-To guides etc to make sure that my business didn’t need me at every single second. That’s all fine and dandy. I’m grateful that I did it all… but I have no idea what I’m in for and at 5 weeks, I also had no idea what the next few weeks would bring.
Jump ahead to 9 weeks pregnant. I’m no joke balls deep in work… nearly suffocating. Every year before this big event (Labor Day weekend) I think I’ll be better prepared but I’m always working down to the wire… but this time I’m taking a nap? WTF! No joke I can’t keep my eyes open BF says, “Yeah, you’re going to be tired. You’re working on some of the most important parts of your baby right now”. It’s only the size of a pecan but I feel like I got hit by a semi-truck.
Week 10 & 11, is a crazy roller coaster of emotions. The woorkload is increasing since I spent so much of weeks 8 and 9 napping. However it’s now even harder to get stuff done because our little marshmallow isn’t liking anything I’m eating… I was hoping to bypass the whole barfing thing. NOPE!
It was such an exciting time, because never before had I had so many people want to make an appointment to come in and shop, about 2 a day for the entire week! (But I’m just over hear hoping I don’t feel the need to vomit while they’re shopping for a dirndl). Week 10 brought a new meaning to the term “puke and rally”.
And each week was always filled with so many conflicting thoughts:
- How does anyone do this with a desk job or other kinds of jobs.
- But as an entrepreneur working for yourself… never before have I had to muster up more self motivation to get off the bathroom floor and wipe away my tears and get back to the sewing machine.
- Is it all in my head? On the weekends, I seem to be better. Am I making it worse by being alone with my thoughts.
- Barfing up Colace and nothing else is, hands down, the worst feeling so far that I have ever felt… in my life.
- Dude… According to the app, our kid is working on a liver. That’s crazy cool.
- I’m getting really attached to this little guy, I really hope it sticks…
- I should go to yoga class
- I don’t think I can make it through yoga class
- I’m supposed to save money, but all I want is Jimmy Johns veggie sandwich, Starbucks coffee frappacino, and mac and cheese from Noodles & Co.
- I wonder if all this feeling like complete ass crap will really go away after this week.
- WTF was wrong with the orange kid!!! UGH! How am I supposed to eat healthy and drink 3 liters of water a day if you don’t keep it in?
- OK… back to work. Aprons don’t sew themselves.
- J/K I’m gunna barf again
Everyone from my friends with children, to family and the midwife all said that the 1st trimester would be the worst. But you know what’s the worst? Going through it without being able to tell anyone! My friends want to grab a drink after work but, “I’ve got to work late” or “I’m gunna pass, not feeling great. Some type of summer bug.”
Since I’m the world’s worst liar, I told my parents and my sister along with my BF. But keeping it a secret from the rest of my friends and family was so hard. “What’s new with you?” “… oh not much, just working a lot”. And I never thought I would be using tricks from Coyote Ugly to fool my friends into thinking I’m drinking. “Erika, we are doing a shot” “Oh… I’m ok, thanks” “No! We are doing a shot!” (insert taking the shot and “chasing it with water” but actually spitting it back into the cup). And water with a splash of Arizona Iced Tea looks like wine. But why all the secrecy? In case of a miscarriage? If I miscarried… I’d feel like I’d need the support of my friends and family.
In our case we were going to see my husbands parents face to face at week 11 so he wanted to tell them first before everyone else. And I totally understand that… but if we wouldn’t have seen them then, why couldn’t we have told them earlier?
The whole process has been very emotional. And not because of the hormones and all that business… just because your bringing a new human into the world that you and your partner are now responsible for! Plus I have a baby already, it’s called by business and now I have to learn how to keep one prospering while keeping the other one alive and happy. Children come first! But no joke, I’ve been taking care of this business as if it was a child and only recently I started to dish out responsibilities to other people… Maybe it’ll feel like when I drop off lil marshmallow off at pre-school. But how can I even compare my baby to my business? That sounds so horrible. Ugh… Like I said… it’s emotional.
But at the end of the day, there is just so much to be grateful for. I could have been going through all of those emotions while trying to escape my war torn country like my grandmother did. I was surrounded with so much love and support and I can’t thank my friends and family enough for it. Each day is a new adventure, and so will the next 20+ years of motherhood (so I’m told 😉 )
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